As good as seeing water turned to wine and world peace announced would be, things just won't be the same.
- The few remaining doctors discover a new form of hallucinogenic mushroom growing in the dampness of reservoirs used by the ruling elite in zimbabwe for their drinking water; but are shot as traitors, when they try to administer detox programs.
- England win a cricket series 5-0. The hedgehog cricket series.
- Sterling plunges to an all time low against a basket of currencies, as a journalist breaks a remarkable story. Clambering down a beanstalk, the out of breath daring reporter babbled a story about gold reserves and egg shapes!
- China, now the worlds cameras have gone, continues its rounding up of dissidents. But unlike the old days, dissidents now have greater options under the march towards equality; to be used as canon shot, or as the target.
- The un officially declares zimbabwe a dead zone and launches a scathing attack on some of its spineless neighbours.
- During the christmas address, the queen experiences momentary confusion and recalls the good old days of blair, sorry thatcher, no atlee.
- With the lack of after-office appointments, dinner invitations, or even publishing deals coming his way. Ex-pres george does a 30 second television advert for clark's shoes.
- Fat people are people, who simply have a medical problem - they can't keep their mouths shut.
- On an unrelated note, a growing number of dentists have been spotted lurking outside the doors of the nations fast food joints, as a new points system for wiring peoples jaw shut, comes into force.
- There is huge rejoicing in the union at the outlawing of slavery. Sadly the british government blows hearty raspberries in the direction of the rest of the continent, and says it's their prerogative to ensure the peasants are flogged before work, flogged during work and flogged twice after work. Just to make sure they're working.
But onto a more festive theme...