In alternate reality 45823....

It's b-day, plus 10 years, and the uk is now the 51st state of the usa. 

The nhs has being bled to death by a billion cuts and the tasty filleted remains sold off to the fastest swooping vulture funds.

The  first term rees-mcvey government has discovered a very large hole in their plans. After promising the electorate the sky, they have discovered that is the only thing in the country left for them to privatise.

"Ah, prime minister. Would you like to comment on the rumours that we are the new puerto rico?"

"Oh really, what a nonsensical question! Listen mush, once we've sold off the sky, we shall all be fantastically wealthy. There will also be some stale crumbs for the poor. Although, they'll have to fight marzebub for those!"

Riotous Assembly

You can't have two weeks off without the bloody slum going up in flames, and living approximately 0.22 miles from one of the 'hotspots' there are, naturally, a few choice thoughts floating in my semi-liquid stuff regarding the whole affair.

In many quarters, during the recent heady riotous events which unfolded over the first two weeks of august 2011, the frothing masses - like a badger with a wasps nest stuck up its arse - demanded those on the bottom (discounting the middle elements who spotted a potential earner, or at the very least early christmas presents) who participated and fulsomely joined in with the looting, crowed that participants should be: severely punished, disproportionately sentenced, suffer the loss all of their safety nets, and if it turns out they are council tenants, ensure they’re evicted and left to rot in their own juices - a glance at any dystopic film will more than fill-in any relevant missing background information here, whilst showing where it is we’re heading to - so teaching those who would dare challenge our way of life, or even stick two fingers to authority, that authority and society will work themselves into a royal tizz and simply not tolerate it - that is, until the next revolution takes place.  In this day and age, can i be done for uttering the word, revolution?

It was surprising seeing people tweeting and hearing folks talking to hosts on radio & tv shows saying how “cowed they felt” and how “scared and frightened they were in their homes” - when their homes existed at least a mile away from any flashpoint!  

As mornings and evenings sped by it became clear that rioters were, to a brick or bin-hurler, really more interested in the interior of clothing or electrical stores; failing that, the re-modding of police car exteriors, than generally ransacking peoples homes (except for one freelance fbi’er who was unlucky to have an opportunistic break in, but who had sensibly installed tracking software on to his laptop), meant the relative initial mood of the population simply veered towards a collective groan and the shaking of heads, muttering “tsk, the youngsters”.  

Unfortunately as events unfurled, it became clear that one profound sad consequence of the looting, and torching of many premises, was the effect on fellow citizens who were residing in those now open-air pigeon nests. Understanding turned to rage, as rumours and reports of citizens been killed simply trying to protect their premises, or homes, galvanised airwaves and screens, solidifying the eventual government knee-jerk backlash.

Admittedly my prolapsed attitude would probably have flown out the window, had i too been forced to flee through one; but, if your only information of the goings on which occurred in the uks capital was transmitted through the box, the web, or the morning papers, you could be forgiven for mistaking the whole of london was, if not in flames, that a significant proportion was primarily so.

As the clashes, torching, looting, and faltering of the blue-line continued, the initial reasons for the riots (the killing of mark duggan), was swamped then lost amongst the first bit of meaty news the press were able to fully zoom in on, since the student demonstrations.  But it transpired he had not fired at the policeman, nor was he was holding a gun - although why he had a loaded gun in the first place?  The policeman who was shot, was shot from a bullet fired by one of his colleagues.  

This appears to have been seized on, not by the family and friends of mark duggan who quickly came out to condemn the mini "london’s burning”, but other elements intent on seizing the opportunity of a situation, and for whatever reason, the lack of effective policing to spot the moment.

Peaceful protest was followed by the now iconic scenes etched on many people minds, after all news channels kept on showing the same bits of footage: over and over and over and over again, twined as it was by a palpable pall of presenter outrage and fear.  At that time (before the deaths of fellow citizens and the growing acknowledgement that people were losing their homes) i popped some popcorn on to watch events unfold, and listen and read the nonsense spouted.  

Taking into account the less than stellar, and sometime hypocritical, actions of mp’s, police chiefs, quangos, bankers, energy utility, where hardly a month fails to go by without some company announcing how many billions they’ve made in profit, but they sadly have to trim costs, throwing thousands on the heap, and as we all age we’re constantly told we’ll have to retire later and with less, whilst the young in many areas are unable to reach the first rung, let alone climb up.  On the other hand, we have entertainers, footballers, ceo’s, who earn more money in a year than many of those growing up and unemployed will see in four of their lifetimes.  Of course there are those who will rise through the top whether by striving, through luck, or raw channelled  talent, but they have always been the few in every generation - otherwise we’d all be floating around on our individual sea-going tower blocks trying to hail someone for love or money!

The current system has time after time been shown to be nothing more than a sow’s purse in a busted pen, with the vast majority failing to feel their lot substantively improved, indeed a growing number are constantly hearing, “if you think this is bad, you ain’t seen anything yet!”  Whilst the top dot indeed, have really never had it so good.

This does go some distance to prove that our creaking beam of a society really is held together with nothing more than consensual duct tape, proving as it does that the many are generally happy to stay within the elastic confines of compromise, enabling the city to exist as it does.

Oh yes, riots.

If we remove from the equation those who had good jobs, olympic representatives, lawyers, students, graduates etc, we find that there is still a substantial section of society who feel that they have no hope, who are constantly told how much more harder than their parents and grandparents generations their own lives are going to be, and all because people who would probably never talk to them if they were in the same lift as them, went on a binge of magic proportions without any care should things not quite work out how they planned.

How that fits in with the riots should be self-evident.  In one corner the hoover (wonder if any of those were nicked, or did they go for dysons?) of capitalism locates the cheapest manufacturing for the highest return, whilst the bar to entry for employees is always rising.  So we hear of companies closing down in one expensive country and opening up in a cheaper one.  Cheaper due to lower taxes?  Reduced labour costs?  Ease of importing, or the ease of oiling the wheels bypassing all that tape?

Blimey i'm tired. If you really want a good ripping read and decent take on the matter, spring over to naomi klein’s piece in the guardian.

 

I, luckily, still have a pillow calling.

Yipper-yapper

Despite all the yapper about an election year, it doesn't feel like an election year, in fact it feels more like an old grizzly lumbering its way to a scratching post and getting ready to aim a rump at the front row, just in time for the prime-time circus.

With less than four(?) months to go before a swarm of "x's" change the stripe of the same jacket, and despite the continual ya-bo-sucks-to-you politics in parliament, it feels as laden with energy as a fallen yorkshire pudding feeding a family of 20. 

I could, however, be mistaken and simply missed the pulsating venom of change coursing its way through the populace with each passing day; a case of casting out the old, by replacing with the same-old.

Good riddance?

Sadly yes monsieur purnell, i finger that label your way.

In this, the day of super-power like computing capabilities, the fact his old service is still unable to provide a honed and targeted individual package for someone to effectively get back into employment, is an indictment of the failure of his tenure in that post.

It’s surely not restricted to the realms of rocket science or polymaths to work out what needs to be done.  Or maybe it is, and i'm simply barking at a reflection of myself looking at the moon.  

Provide targeted training/courses to the growing ranks of the unemployed and not the mickey-mouse/happy-meal type schemes they're so fond of trotting out just to have a good sound bite come question time.

But that requires, oh, thinking!  Thinking of actually improving the lot of other people and not just trying to ensure their own tarnished pots of lucre are full to overflowing.

Over a quick couple of minutes even i popped up with this scatty list.

1. What do people want to do?
2. What jobs are available on the market?
3. Are business willing to allow people who are on decent courses the time to work, learn & train?
4. Will there be a decent level of payment (for employee/trainer and employer alike) or will it just turn into viewing a revolting new dole face every 6 months?
5. At the end will the claimant gain that bit of essential paper, will they have the possibility of improving their skills, get into work, or simply thrown back on the pile?

New technology, new industries are growing whilst the vast majority of growing unemployed are missing out on the benefits these potential avenues could foster, as the country itself loses out, and all whilst the ferrets continue to fight amongst themselves.

It's time the country stopped relying on esoteric services and outsourcing its soul, to once more have another science/industrial renaissance capable of producing tangible decent goods that people can actually use, that has function, reduces our energy hostage value, cuts down our dependence on energy companies; and heaven forbid helps (however belatedly) our environment and makes people net exporters to the nation. 

So as the start of this rabid uttering of pitiful rubbish says. Good riddance!

A paucity of pygmies

The government's been more than happy to bail out banks to the tune of $2.26*tn, yet they have thousands of people on the streets who are homeless.

Imagine if they took 1 percent of that whopping £1.5tn.  They could, at let's say £80k per new built flat (bit more expensive for a house), build at least 187,000 new flats. 

But that would hit the housing market, and people would lose money they've sunk into treating housing as just another commodity.  But there'd be no homelessness!  Everyone, or at least nearly everyone in the country, would finally have a roof over their heads.  It'd be cheaper than constantly having soul destroying meeting after soul destroying meeting carping on that there's just not enough housing, what are we to do. 

Who know's whole new towns with new infrastructure, new jobs (the new tech's) could be created, and with the mistakes learned from the disasters of the past, perhaps they could be avoided this time around.

Imagine 187,000 new flats, with the fastest easily upgraded broadband service, excellent public transport links, excellent community facilities, excellent green spaces, the latest environmentally efficient technologies, recycling, solar heating, solar powering, if done properly these could be feeding electricity back into the grind, and for how the old pollution ridden cities could be.

But as vision is the one thing seemingly lacking in today's uk, it'll probably only happen when things really freeze over.

Oh yes, how much would 187k homes contribute towards council tax payments alone per year?  £172mn.

* $/£ rate of 1.5069 as at 13:15 8th May 2009

Government and "yeehaw" training

In this day and age you would think the governments "joined up thinking" would have a included the sensible approach to making sure the increasing millions soon to hit the dole queues, would be eligible to have training.

You know, to keep their skills up. To ensure that when the country pops out of the depression, we'll be in fighting fit form to take on the world and hold our own with a huge array of newly trained and qualified people champing at the bit with a new found vigour, highly toned skills and boundless reams of energy.

You would have thought!

Sadly, this government thinks otherwise and from september 2009 are bringing in a bizarre system, where they will provide funds for people to be trained. They will actually provide 100% of the funding. But with one small proviso. They will give the training providers 20% of the training costs up front. And then (and here's the kicker) they will fund the other 80% once (so making the magic sum of 100%), the unemployed person has found gainful employment within 6 months of them finishing the training course and been unemployed for 6 months.

So? I hear the cry go up, they're getting training, providers are getting paid?

Well imagine this scenario. You're at work and your bosses come up with a scheme, where instead of you getting paid your monthly salary all in one foul swoop, they give you 20%, and say that if you do a really good job and bring in outstanding results at the 1/2 yearly review stage they'll give you the other 80% of your salary in six months time, if you can keep it up.

Happy with it now?

The governments cack-handed approach to this has of course meant that meaningful providers who would have given the unemployed meaningful achievable training routes back into employment or self-employment, are now pulling out in droves. Leaving the really bad, or the ones who can use this now endless supply of even cheaper labour (as they'll get even more money into their coffers), as the only things left for those seriously unemployed; who could well end up to be a new underclass, permanently pinned on the spokes of poverty.

This might have worked when the economy was booming and bust defeated, and jobs were like confetti on ticker tape day. But in the current cooling clime, it is one of the worst ideas they have come up and stuck with.

Once people realise it, the ranks of the disaffected and jump-shippers could finally become a stampede.

Naturally when it is brought in and fails, they will blame the providers for not living up to the schemes expectations. Instead of them standing up, throwing their hands in the air and just going "yep, we cocked up."

This is nothing but a rear-guard action, by a rear-guard rump of a government, for which everyone else is to blame for everything's that happening, and they happily waft about losing the precious few tenuous grips on reality that they once had.

The one happy thought which trickles through peoples mind is, like dust in a storm, they'll be summarily kicked out of power come the prevailing electoral wind. Will things get any better afterwards? Oh where is my sick bag.

We are interconnected as never before. Our prioritise used to be small; the family, the village, the town, the city, the county, then the country states. But we've reached a stage where what happens on one side of the world, will in seconds impact the another. We have to think of ourselves as global citizens, and not the old insular back-biting, back stabbing, parochial entities of old. We have to go beyond the "every person for themselves" motto as that's plainly failed, in all its iterations.

"We are a species that goes beyond our limitations," says Ray Kurzweil. A shame governments religions, and fundamental fruitbats try to place so many restrictions hindering the pace of change, pace of development and pace of fairness for the whole of humankind.

And talking of wheels coming off wagons. Oh dear. Is this already the start of the end, of the obama love-in?

And in keeping with the time of diy, here's my wee little homage to the season of happiness.

Back to basics sweatshop

EU on the brink

Yes!  The eu is on the brink of showing it might not be a totally useless dinosaur of an institution, by rescinding the rules the shape of our favourite fruits and veg can be sold.

What this should eventually mean is that millions of tonnes of food will become available for the average eu consumer to purchase fruit and veg - which used to bring millions of the uks population to the brink of tears whilst watching esther rantzens that's life, back into the aisles and stalls of our everyday overpriced supermarkets. 

That is, naturally, if some of the more stubborn farmer orientated countries (i.e. france), are unable to put a late minute spanner in the spokes.

Although the relaxing of the rules will only apply to 26 everyday food items, it will be 26 types which should shave a few more pennies/cents off household  expenditure; should  sellers pass the savings on.

But one side development.  This would seem to reduce the size of the plank been used by those clamouring for the withdrawal of the uk from the eu. 

Oh happy day.

Barclays two fingers to the uk

Could it get any riper. One of the uk's biggest banks has decided it would far better ensure that its overpaid directors continue to get the biggest bonuses they can get away with, without a french style revolution by shareholders and remnants of the corporate battlefield.

On one hand they are more than happy to continue gouging and charging exorbitant rates for overdrafts, authorised or otherwise, and go cap in hand to overseas sovereign funds than allow any sort of control, however temporary placed upon them by the government and the taxpayers.

In light of this barclays, once more, shows what it really thinks about the uk and where it feels its best interest lays. Perhaps in the current climate those people who still have any slight twinges of consciousness left, should rise up and show this corporate coward what they think about its actions, and swap to another bank. Somewhere like the co-operative bank which is also one of the few excellent ethical banks out there.

[update 31st October 2008, 19:13]

Knew this was missing something. Now where's that bit of imagery...

End of year thoughts, part I

This might be a bit premature, with just over two months to go before the end of the western worlds end of year celebrations.  But with this year been such a roller coaster tsunami of epic proportions; I might as well start early, as by the end of the year there'll be so much to go through, all of this will be past its smell by date and to coin an overheard term well footed in its grave.

So here's a pre-emptive look-back boot at 2008 and early glimpse of 2009, in easy digestible bite sized instalments.

1. Greed good universal altruism bad, according to a newly unearthed bankers bible found in the wreckage of a discarded filling cabinet atop the newly discovered office waste mountain.
2. Our god is god.  There is no other god, and we'll kill any [put expletive group name of non-believers here] who say otherwise.
3. New breakthrough in human cetacean communication means humanity, for the first time, is able to communicate on a like by like basis with dolphins.
4. The HIV virus could have been around for 100 years.
5. Pro-lifers call for the branding and salting of abortionists.  Always forgetting that nature/god is the biggest killer of the unborn via miscarriages, diseases etc., although if they miscarried that's obviously the work of [put name of any evil entity here])
6. Gays are an abomination and blight on the planet.  UN supremo tells the world, 'the way the global population and resources are going we probably need more of them not less of them!'.
7. South Africa lost a president and loony health minister.  Sadly, the replacement president is hours away from splitting the party and plunging the country into chaos.
8. And continuing on in that part of the world.  Huggable mugabe looked as if he was back to his old tricks, but an unforeseen end of year heart-attack finishes him off, leaving his party in disarray, demoralised and without a heart.
9. Surfers in californa say they'll strike if dolphins are given entry to the next mavericks annual surfing competition, citing unfair competition.
10. The northern hemisphere's gripped in another calamity, as temperatures plummet, and already scandalous energy prices really go through the roof - pensioners take the streets but have to picked out of meter sized snow drifts by the newly formed homefront brigade.
11. Bright lights of unknown origin in the night skies cause rioting in many parts of the world.  Religionists say it's the end of days and a sign of the apocalypse.  Secularists say, it's obviously little green/red/blue men and they're here to welcome us into galactic civilisation.  Cats look up, then get back to the important task of licking their bottoms.
12. Just in.  Taleban have retaken most of afghanistan, give inhabitants of Kabul seven days to surrender; puts newly elected us president to the test.
13. UK government has a day of mourning for the millions of dead pensioners.  Commissions a £15m commemorative statue for whitehall.
14. Inline with the continuing brown legacy of hiving off good bits of the economy to the highest bidder, it's confirmed that great britain shall from 2020 be re-branded little china (gb division).
15. In relation to the previous entry, it's also been announced that everywhere inbetween offa's dyke and the irish sea, or wi's dip, will be called new-kong-a-leeky; whilst everything north of hadrians wall [or the little wall of china] will be designated, a parking lot.  Haggisnest soup is the new spicy delicacy in upmarket chinese restaurants.

Who knows, with all that's happened so far they would all fit in perfectly.

Glorious day

Yesterday was such a glorious moment: blue sky, a light breeze, smiling people. I even managed to take the camera out for a little spin; after the flatmate's inner ear required the attention of a doctor.

Living in one of the noisiest parts of town, you get used to inserting earplugs on a nightly basis. But on this occasion, it would seem the plug insertion was carried out a little bit too forcefully. Personally I put it down to a simple case of the flatmate overstressing the body the week before. 

The options were:

1. going to the local gp as emergency and waiting nearly four hours to get seen, or
2. trying out the nhs walk-in clinic tucked away just off the main road in victoria. 

Luckily there's a direct bus (which on this occasion looked as if it hadn't been cleaned since it was introduced) route.  Twenty minutes later we walked in to a practically deserted, modern, clean, fresh smelling reception, with (and this caused a little stumble) an actual smiling receptionist; who took down the details and said the flatmate should be seen in about 15 minutes. It took ten. Ten minutes on the NHS to walk-in and be seen. People came, people left and the doctors and nurses quietly, efficiently, went about their duties.

Even heard one person upon leaving, congratulating the receptionist, "I didn't know you were here, but I'll be using you in future."

And there's the rub.

It's currently good, efficient, with a relaxing - almost healing - atmosphere because it's not stretched to capacity. Once that happens, it will end up like any other gp's surgery. Everyone bad tempered, cursing the day they set foot in, and with a two week plus waiting list.

But the pictures. Not of the surgery but of a couple of other lines that caught my eye...

         

Which ended in a glorious moon...

Bad brown

There is a great trend for those who are already highly skilled to be working with employers - who so value their skills and experience - that they will go out of their way to ensure those are kept up to date and relevant.

But work your way further down the greasy ladder of employment, until you reach the heady world of the temp, agency workers and employment agencies; where your current skill-set, reasonable ability to work (or at least shuffle papers around and click the mouse button a couple of times per hour) is all that matters.

It is is up to you, to ensure your skills are better than just up-to-date.  To, as week follows week, keep abreast of developments, new legislation, protocols that are produced in any arena of work, but especially in any area where computers play a very big part.

If however, you are unemployed and poor, then your ability to improve your employability decreases at an exponentially marked level. 

The job centres are really only concerned that you can read/write/apply for a job (any job), forgetting that having this lowest common line in the sand is damaging in the long term, to the economy, the unemployed person whilst bolstering the how much can we get away with paying mentality. 

Case in point been tjk parent of tk maxx, of the losing millions (45.7) of customers banking details and making the uk government look competent in comparison, company based in the us. Yes this company pays a bit more than the minimum wage for its uk staff. But the staff forego overtime pay, easily working an extra 4+hrs over allotted scheduling per week. Breaks are short. Cancelable at short notice, as the one off goods are priced up for consumers to whip off the shelves.

But back to the point.

Colleges, which used to have subsidised courses for those who where unemployed - but keen to re-enter employment by re-skilling - now find they have to scrap particular courses under the current governments "re-balancing" of educational need towards those in the 16-20 year old age bracket. With those over the upper age, considered over the hill and past it!

In today's environment, webdesign, plumbing, engineering, are a few courses of note that would be beneficial to potential employers and to those seeking work. With the added bonus of improving the unemployeds earning potential, way beyond that of the idle giro payout; thrown in. 

But the Wisdom of Brown seems to be striking again. As those very same courses have been favourably targeted towards the under 21's whilst those over 20 are forced to consider different courses or learn by themselves as the courses are no longer subsidised, or even worse, have been cut altogether.  Sort of when Mrs Thatcher made away with the milk and deprived many growing children (from deprived backgrounds) of a valuable source of daily calcium and nutrients.

Invariably as this carries on, it will mean temp/part-time workers will have to create and fund their own learning map.  Which is as it should be, as generally they're financially on par, or better off, in the particular employment situation they currently inhabit than their full-time slave to the boss colleagues.

During my webering (web wondering), bumped across this carton from Paul Toner on his ruebritannia site. Excellent work.

Dickens would be so proud of our brave new world - a rambling missive

Forcing people back to work, if they are unable to find work or are incapacitated, sounds like a return to Charles Dicken's country.  You could see the great man himself flicking through the pages of today's papers with depressed resignation at the direction the current government, opposition party and general populace are seemingly headed. 

With the ban on smoking, kill joys are now working on drinking, no doubt after that we'll all have to wear the correct type of clothing otherwise we'll be sent to the gallows.

Soon to, no doubt, as too many people will be perceived to be enjoying themselves, the holiday periods will be rolled back and working hours increased under the guise of research showing that if people didn't have so much free time they wouldn't:

1. get drunk so often,
2. have enough time to be obese eating all that balanced food

Whilst those who had too much free time on their hands would be made to work a 50 hour week for the benefit of the community, ensuring they are no longer:

1. idly unemployed and going around robbing people,
2. have time to smoke and so become less of a drain on the health service - eventually,
3. need to live in deprived areas and having offspring turn into feral beasts - through boredom and nothing else better to do.

Yes, it's mainly those who are poor, whom the political chatterers and right of Stalin editors seem to have it in for.  If you're rich and wealthy then you can ensure your offspring are suitably taken care of by the chauffeur and bodyguards, even if they would rather be rogering the missus.

It's could, perhaps, be also true that there are shirkers out there who find the problem of moving to pick up a remote control, to much effort.  But the vast majority do want to work. Meaningful work.  Work, that at the end of the day makes them feel like they have made a difference. Work that is more than the means to a basic existence. 

Unlike, investment bankers, whose idea of making a difference is knowing they've pushed a few million more people further into poverty or destroyed the meager savings of another bunch of pensioners.  For this group, the government should barrel down with increased legislation.  Raise taxes so many of them actually pay proper taxes.  But will they? No. As the government is in fear they will up sticks and leave for easier climes.  Not realising that in reality, easier climes could only be had at the beach house.

A spineless government that believes this group will simply up sticks and leave, creating chaos and plunging the country into ruin. Perhaps.  but with the bloodsuckers gone, ramping up inflation (especially housing), then the vast majority will be able to manage on the average meager wage, and anyhow they will have to learn how to, once China and India truly begin their inexorable climb to burgeoning middle-class hood and their respective Bourses surpass the london stock exchange.  Then the redistribution of traders will begin as the lse fades into the distant horizon, overtaken by the far east and a new european financial exchange, the last dreams of empire finally fading into the mists.

Been at work is bad for your health, especially in this day age; unless you work for google or apple and perhaps - at a push - ibm. 

In london on any working day just - if you can bear it - travel on london underground and look at your fellow travellers.  Rarely will you see anyone smiling or laughing. If they are, it's a firm bet they are tourists, or passing through, or have only lived in the capital for 6 months and not yet had the happiness and love for life beaten out of them.  But just look at the people going to work. It's a chore, the majority don't enjoy it, but they keep doing it.  For they know if they don't, that they could be that grubby beggar pestering everyone for 10 pence or is it now £50, to help buy a cup of tea.  Heaven forbid they end up like that, so away they beaver and work. 

To be fair there are people who have lived in the capital for 10 or more years and are still happy. But then they have homes overseas, holiday 20 times a year, worked hard and don't have to endure more than they need to.

But for those stuck within the boundaries of the M25 and its lofty green fields, the constant grind has the subtleness of your own personal pneumatic drill.

Suspect device in south London

At 10:00hrs a south London street was cordoned off and the nearby residents asked to evacuate by the police.

The scene occurred on a 109 bus, with the police been in the area coordinating the movement of people away from the potential blast and cordoning off the scene.

Apart from that no further information has been given.

Flying trotters

So a politician's finally done the decent thing and resigned.

To clear his name.

After, and only possibly mind - nothing's yet been proven! But been caught with both front trotters, snout, and floppy ears waving around in the crumbs jar. It's more and more, beginning to look like a re-run of the Major years.

Noisy neighbours from the hellish side?

One of the many problems with London; which scores so highly on the many 'things you hate most about your city' surveys is, that hardy annual: Neighbouritis. Yes a made up nonce word of Neighbour (British spelling) and courtesy of old Grecian – a time when men were men and up for doing it - 'itis', but better than saying Neighbour-from-hell- who-drives-your- grandmother-to-an-early-grave!

Unless you live in a nice secluded area, i.e. wealthy and rich, then it's more than likely you will have come up against the perennial problem of Neighbour-noise-ism! Yes how many times have you felt like killing your fellow neighbour or at least hoping they get run over by the number 36 bus as it hurtles its way down the High Street, just because the bass sound on their latest purchased - although nowadays downloaded or streamed - techno track, or they have somehow taken with a strange but firm grasp some twisted bit of logic that they should be the ones on X-Factor and not the current crop of munters, is driving you insane.

All those greedy sods who turned old houses into nasty noise traps, that governments really didn't bother doing anything about to legally ensure people didn't get on each others nerves, are now long gone and dead. But, hopefully, their off-spring are living under the same tortuous circumstances as the rest of us.

Most of the old properties had wall-to-wall carpet covered flooring, which when based on a family of six plus, living over three floors was fine. But then the prospectors moved in and converted said three storey houses into at least six small poky flats, sometimes, even more. If living in London and on, or below the poverty line, there is a 90% probability during your moving life, that you will be subject – especially if living below someone else – to unacceptable noise levels and at logger-heads over the best courses of action to take.

Sometimes this will be nothing more than the pair of you just turning up the noise. Sadly it will be to such levels, that neither of you will be able to think properly, let alone properly hear what you're listening to or what the other is listening to.

But that feeling of satisfaction will be wonderful, if short lived. Both of you will feel wonderful thinking that you've pissed the other off, not realising that it's only really your hearing that's been damaged. But you exchange pleasantries when briefly meeting, saying all's well with the world, secretly wondering why the other doesn't have a life threatening allergy to peanuts, so you can offer a peanut tainted cup at the next village jamboree.

And life goes on, for days on end it's nice and quiet – as they have gone away on holiday without telling you! Sometimes you just have to sit there spending the hours idly, playing with the volume button. On other occasions you just decide to go out for a walk or just to meet friends, eventually returning home slightly the worse for alcohol, put the stereo on and wake up in the morning with music blasting out and a sour note pushed through the letter box expressing extreme displeasure, bordering contempt.

Looking into the anti-social noise laws, including that of leases, most have some provision with regard for this, yet hardly anything seems to be done about it. Environmental health will only do something after 22:30hrs! Leases say noise – likely to disrupt fellow neighbours - should cease after 23:00hrs, and before then, that people should have consideration for their fellow flat dwellers.

Sadly even when letters are sent out reminding inhabitants of their contractual obligations, scant notice is given to them and things go on as usual.

So what recourse is there available to those under noise-siege? At this moment in time, it's a long hard slog through, ineffective management companies, useless housing associations, non-caring councils, solicitors, lawyers, courts etc. Which if you want a really quick result isn't much in the way of comfort, but will be of benefit once you've reached the end of the tunnel; well until the next person moves in.

The following is an excerpt from an environmental services website, and do take note of the last paragraph...

What is noise nuisance?

Our service aims to tackle unreasonable noise disturbance and reduce its impact on the quality of people's lives in the borough...

The general consensus – as unsatisfactory as it is - seems to be... just whack your own noise levels up; so you can hear what it is you're listening to. Either that or suffer the stress and frustration of living with an inconsiderate, arsehole, of a neighbour... on the otherhand, where's that bus!