Golden dragon - the computer says no!

No not a swipe about the olympics, but it does start tomorrow. Oh I can just see the disasters.  No nothing about the olympics, except that.

A wee tale about the bending of space and time? No. Of warp-holes in the fabric of macadam tarmac? Again no. 

This is a regaling tale, of the dire state of trying to order a chinese takeaway. Supposedly, in one of the most populated chinese takeaway parts of the globe.

The fridge was bare. The flatmate, although soon to leave for pastures new was elsewhere entertaining, and so it was a case of what should I do. 

Over to friends?  No, I'm sure they're tired of giving me doggy bags to take home.  Hmm. I could pop to the "salmonella" café and spend the rest of the morning heaving as it leaves my system...

A couple of hours zip along before I realise I've tied myself into a tizzy. I should just relax. Count the pennies and bring out the faithful old dusty chinese menu, for a treat. 

Proceed to give them a call, only to hear "I'm sorry. The number you have dialled has not been recognised, please check and try again." 

And I do.

Of course, my phone's speed-touch button had misdialed?  It couldn't be a network fault or the business closed down? Perhaps just another exchange's stopped working?

So I do a little online search on yell.co.uk, justeat.co.uk. And pick out the nearest two.  Dial the first and start to order...

"It will cost you an extra pound," the order taker informs me. "You're too far!"

"To far? I'm not even one and half miles away from you. How can I be too far!"

"The computer says you're to far."

Apparently, the system they use to calculate the food bill also incorporates a postcode checker, which can't be overwritten (suppose it avoids tampering by the staff) so he couldn't do anything. 

Obviously the credit crunch isn't affecting this particular business as they're more than happy to lose my order, because to all intents and purposes, the computer said "no!"

Do I hear a "so what?"

Well the main reason I was so particularly irked was, in comparison, the company that I usually call up is approximately - thank heavens for dependable google - 2.5 miles or 4.1 km (one way), and doesn't charge delivery if the amount of the meal exceeds £9. Whereas this interloper company wanted to charge an extra pound for less than two-thirds the distance, whilst requiring a spend of at least £10, to be entitled for free delivery.

So I try another restaurant, which is 1.4 miles away only to have the number permanently engaged.  No-doubt myself and another 500 people using re-dial.  Perhaps it was a major hack on chinese takeaways by the "hackus of tibet".  Or maybe, it was just one of nights. 

I had forgotten how delicious beans on toast could taste. Had to include that link, as I came across it in my ever frantic attempts at finding something.  Even though the webowner thought it looked unpleasant, it looked far more appetising than the fare I managed to eventually scrape together and swallow down.

When I initially penned this, the last sentence was going to end on a dire trembler.  But the olympics started and russia invaded. Bombs went off, the international community showed just how impotent it is when dealing with an ex-upandcoming-muscleflexing superpower. 

I just hope the games can make it through without any other major incidents taking place.  That would be nice. And in honour of the sporting achievements been created by the many thousands of athletes taking part in this years olympiad here's a wee collage...

... or it will be, once it's finished.

Dickens would be so proud of our brave new world - a rambling missive

Forcing people back to work, if they are unable to find work or are incapacitated, sounds like a return to Charles Dicken's country.  You could see the great man himself flicking through the pages of today's papers with depressed resignation at the direction the current government, opposition party and general populace are seemingly headed. 

With the ban on smoking, kill joys are now working on drinking, no doubt after that we'll all have to wear the correct type of clothing otherwise we'll be sent to the gallows.

Soon to, no doubt, as too many people will be perceived to be enjoying themselves, the holiday periods will be rolled back and working hours increased under the guise of research showing that if people didn't have so much free time they wouldn't:

1. get drunk so often,
2. have enough time to be obese eating all that balanced food

Whilst those who had too much free time on their hands would be made to work a 50 hour week for the benefit of the community, ensuring they are no longer:

1. idly unemployed and going around robbing people,
2. have time to smoke and so become less of a drain on the health service - eventually,
3. need to live in deprived areas and having offspring turn into feral beasts - through boredom and nothing else better to do.

Yes, it's mainly those who are poor, whom the political chatterers and right of Stalin editors seem to have it in for.  If you're rich and wealthy then you can ensure your offspring are suitably taken care of by the chauffeur and bodyguards, even if they would rather be rogering the missus.

It's could, perhaps, be also true that there are shirkers out there who find the problem of moving to pick up a remote control, to much effort.  But the vast majority do want to work. Meaningful work.  Work, that at the end of the day makes them feel like they have made a difference. Work that is more than the means to a basic existence. 

Unlike, investment bankers, whose idea of making a difference is knowing they've pushed a few million more people further into poverty or destroyed the meager savings of another bunch of pensioners.  For this group, the government should barrel down with increased legislation.  Raise taxes so many of them actually pay proper taxes.  But will they? No. As the government is in fear they will up sticks and leave for easier climes.  Not realising that in reality, easier climes could only be had at the beach house.

A spineless government that believes this group will simply up sticks and leave, creating chaos and plunging the country into ruin. Perhaps.  but with the bloodsuckers gone, ramping up inflation (especially housing), then the vast majority will be able to manage on the average meager wage, and anyhow they will have to learn how to, once China and India truly begin their inexorable climb to burgeoning middle-class hood and their respective Bourses surpass the london stock exchange.  Then the redistribution of traders will begin as the lse fades into the distant horizon, overtaken by the far east and a new european financial exchange, the last dreams of empire finally fading into the mists.

Been at work is bad for your health, especially in this day age; unless you work for google or apple and perhaps - at a push - ibm. 

In london on any working day just - if you can bear it - travel on london underground and look at your fellow travellers.  Rarely will you see anyone smiling or laughing. If they are, it's a firm bet they are tourists, or passing through, or have only lived in the capital for 6 months and not yet had the happiness and love for life beaten out of them.  But just look at the people going to work. It's a chore, the majority don't enjoy it, but they keep doing it.  For they know if they don't, that they could be that grubby beggar pestering everyone for 10 pence or is it now £50, to help buy a cup of tea.  Heaven forbid they end up like that, so away they beaver and work. 

To be fair there are people who have lived in the capital for 10 or more years and are still happy. But then they have homes overseas, holiday 20 times a year, worked hard and don't have to endure more than they need to.

But for those stuck within the boundaries of the M25 and its lofty green fields, the constant grind has the subtleness of your own personal pneumatic drill.

Underworld CSI

Often wondered, since watching CSI (only the Las Vegas one - the others are too painful), whether it has an underworld equivalent; perhaps called ICS?

You know, sultry, depressive and bombshell types that go around watching crime scenes and how they're solved. So now we have criminals running around with different coloured lights making sure their tracks are sufficiently covered with a suitably nifty little vacuum cleaner sucking up any stray passing bits of debris and DNA. If not, then they deserve to get caught.

Sale madness, food waste, holiday's end

Sales should normally be coming to an end! But credit-crunch vampires, recession worries and lower than average spending, have - like naughty St. Trinian's - ganged up and put paid to that. So each day since the season of shoplifting and goodwill upped on its downers, the Hydraverts (many-headed advertising monster) mercilessly batters, the poor beleaguered cashless shopper!

Considering that over the holiday period and on Christmas day itself, a fair portion of shops in the capital were open. From the evidence of people shopping until the last of Christmas Eve however, you would have thought there was going to be imminent global rationing, or at the very least major shortages. People were packing trolleys to overflowing, and pushing each other out of the way to get those turkeys.

Now a 20lb turkey to feed 8 people is more than acceptable, but to feed only 4? Gluttony and wastefulness are terms that spring to mind. How much of the Christmas fare have we - and yes I include myself as part of the herd - been waiting for more than six months to enjoy, simply ended up in a landfill? How many presents have we all brought that people have ungratefully responded with, "don't know why you bothered! Wouldn't wear," and why is it always clothes, "that load of shite if they paid me!" Although saying that, I have been guilty of ingratitude once or twice in my lifetime, but never quite like that. Just once, or twice mind!

But it's a never-ending merry-go-round of what we really need and greed. We can't really afford - well the planet can't really afford - our wasteful over exuberance. So next Christmas I'm not going to buy, give or receive any pressies or cards. Just my way of giving a gift, to the environment!