The latest edition of 'Democracy for The End Times', lands on the desk of the British Prime Minister. "Are you a PUSSY LICKING DRUGKING, or PROGRESSIVE LOVING DATER?"
The PM smirks, and licks his lips. He hadn't tasted the good stuff in quite a while. And with all those paparazites outside, it might be a while before he would again. As for the other stuff, his young fillies were doing rather well. Jeni even beat the bookies with a 100 yards to spare at the Goodgrove races
He looks down his to-do list and maniacally mutters. "Scuppering Parliament, check. Drowning the Speaker in a grab the apple contest, in progress. Hanging out promises of a better tomorrow without jam today, that's our mantra. In the record books, even as the shortest serving PM since 1827, by Jove still on track!"
As financial, social, and international storm clouds gather in growing intensity, the asymmetric flapping wings of destiny ferociously beat towards an approaching darkening maw.
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Wednesday, 11 September 2019
Friday, 16 August 2019
Wednesday, 14 August 2019
Friday, 2 August 2019
In alternate reality 45823....
The man with power girded his loins with grim determination, and headed north, to beyond the wall. His guests were ready and waiting to receive him.
"Well, where is he? He should be here now!"
"Ay, that he should. But he ain't. Hold on... Hey Angus!"
"Ay, Fraser?"
"Any word on when that southern jessie's ganna arrive?"
"Ay Fraser, he should be here now."
"Ay he should be here Angus, but he aint."
"Hold on Fraser. It's coming back to me. There was a daft looking fella wandering around earlier. Had a face like a skelped erse, and prime minister scribbled on his chest. His mouth kept opening, but only gibberish was coming out. So I locked him in the cupboard, with the cleaning supplies."
"Oh Angus. What have you done."
"Saved the country Fraser, saved the country."
"Well, where is he? He should be here now!"
"Ay, that he should. But he ain't. Hold on... Hey Angus!"
"Ay, Fraser?"
"Any word on when that southern jessie's ganna arrive?"
"Ay Fraser, he should be here now."
"Ay he should be here Angus, but he aint."
"Hold on Fraser. It's coming back to me. There was a daft looking fella wandering around earlier. Had a face like a skelped erse, and prime minister scribbled on his chest. His mouth kept opening, but only gibberish was coming out. So I locked him in the cupboard, with the cleaning supplies."
"Oh Angus. What have you done."
"Saved the country Fraser, saved the country."
Friday, 26 July 2019
Ocean's 33: The Sunken Lot
Where a hapless gang of intrepid bunglers manage to trip up, get caught, miss the loot, destroy a country, gas through their teeth, have no idea what they are talking about, wouldn't know a bath plug from a kitchen tap, have a mistress and try to leave the country but end up doing donuts, blow their feet off then their genitals, and it's only the first operational run through.
You'll never forget less memorable lines, such as...
Grab your life jackets now!
You'll never forget less memorable lines, such as...
Friday, 19 July 2019
In alternate reality 45823....
The hustings
The final husting's and it's neck and neck. Both candidates awkwardly stand on stage for the last round. Sudden death.
"Munt!"
"Blowhard!"
"Piffle-boodle-orgasmatron-poodle."
"Ha. I beat you. A gaggle of entrepreneurs!"
The final husting's and it's neck and neck. Both candidates awkwardly stand on stage for the last round. Sudden death.
"Munt!"
"Blowhard!"
"Piffle-boodle-orgasmatron-poodle."
"Ha. I beat you. A gaggle of entrepreneurs!"
Friday, 12 July 2019
Wednesday, 10 July 2019
A little bit - Furenvy!
Flying flocks of envy and galloping migrations of fury have been reported from all over the world - if you forget to consume your news with a hefty dose of morning salts.
Countries are furious. Customers are furious - although that quickly descends into only being tepidly livid. Viewers are furious and envious - apparently more the latter when watching tennis fans gorge on fresh strawberries & cream! Even stalwart shareholders in blue chip behemoths are furious, and that's before the first lot of sandwiches have had time to become crispy curls at the enviously livid agm!
You don't have to read that many columns, nor listen to many pundits, nor look too far before realising that everyone is either extremely furious, or green with unmitigated envy. It won't be long before you come across a headline, byline, or have spittle flecks hurled in your direction, to make you realise that this is how you should feel, if you encounter such a situation.
Yes half the world's furious whilst the other half's envious, as the world is going up in flames. Perhaps that hot under the collar sensation is starting to subconsciously niggle at us: making us fan a smidge faster, mop an extra bead of sweat, or hastily guzzle a litre of beer instead of gently sipping, or even force us to open another button.
We're furious! No we're envious! We're full of fury! No we're full of envy! We are, furenvy!
Countries are furious. Customers are furious - although that quickly descends into only being tepidly livid. Viewers are furious and envious - apparently more the latter when watching tennis fans gorge on fresh strawberries & cream! Even stalwart shareholders in blue chip behemoths are furious, and that's before the first lot of sandwiches have had time to become crispy curls at the enviously livid agm!
You don't have to read that many columns, nor listen to many pundits, nor look too far before realising that everyone is either extremely furious, or green with unmitigated envy. It won't be long before you come across a headline, byline, or have spittle flecks hurled in your direction, to make you realise that this is how you should feel, if you encounter such a situation.
Fury
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Envy
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Watching someone eat strawberries & cream.
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𔐍
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Seeing a giraffe killed for fun.
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𔐍
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Your local shop running out of your favourite tea.
|
𔐍
| |
Having one of your oil tankers seized.
|
𔐍
| |
What's athena doing with that orange chipmunk?
|
𔐍
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𔐍
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Yes half the world's furious whilst the other half's envious, as the world is going up in flames. Perhaps that hot under the collar sensation is starting to subconsciously niggle at us: making us fan a smidge faster, mop an extra bead of sweat, or hastily guzzle a litre of beer instead of gently sipping, or even force us to open another button.
We're furious! No we're envious! We're full of fury! No we're full of envy! We are, furenvy!
Friday, 5 July 2019
Monday, 10 June 2019
Somewhat overheard - April 2016
The then employment minister pritti patel mp on the today program 28 april 2016, talking to sarah montague.
"I'm talking about… rolling back workers rights… It was the British Parliament and British Governments that have stood up and introduced… regulations and red tape, and the cost of regulations and red tape, on British businesses. I'm speaking about small businesses and regulations… regulations and those rules… what is appropriate, and what is not appropriate… I’ve already said several times we'd have full… regulations and meddlesome… red tape… regulations… regulations… regulations… These are regulations that stand up… and be outvoted constantly.”
"I'm talking about… rolling back workers rights… It was the British Parliament and British Governments that have stood up and introduced… regulations and red tape, and the cost of regulations and red tape, on British businesses. I'm speaking about small businesses and regulations… regulations and those rules… what is appropriate, and what is not appropriate… I’ve already said several times we'd have full… regulations and meddlesome… red tape… regulations… regulations… regulations… These are regulations that stand up… and be outvoted constantly.”
Sunday, 9 June 2019
In alternate reality 45823....
“Before we begin our next show 'Orange is the old Lemon', breaking
news from the leafy suburbs of Slurry Peath. Hildabrad, just what is
going on?”
“Yes, good evening Daviard. We are just outside the home of constituent mp Mr Cove. We have been led to believe that he will soon be making a statement, regarding. Wait, hold on. The front door has just being opened a crack; and yes, Mr Cove's shiny pate is peeking out, and I can confirm that his mouth is moving. Quick point it over the there.”
"...my name is Michael Cove, and I have a confession. I took cocaine 20 years ago when I was working in a pig farm, and I was so off my tits that I might have made sweet happy love to Betsy, once or twice. It was a mistake, over which I experience deep re-. No, sod it. It was the happiest years of my life. Vote for me, to ensure everything's all legalised, tested for purity, and taxed the same as alcohol and cigarettes. Buy two, and get your own Betsy for free. Vote for me!"
“Yes, good evening Daviard. We are just outside the home of constituent mp Mr Cove. We have been led to believe that he will soon be making a statement, regarding. Wait, hold on. The front door has just being opened a crack; and yes, Mr Cove's shiny pate is peeking out, and I can confirm that his mouth is moving. Quick point it over the there.”
"...my name is Michael Cove, and I have a confession. I took cocaine 20 years ago when I was working in a pig farm, and I was so off my tits that I might have made sweet happy love to Betsy, once or twice. It was a mistake, over which I experience deep re-. No, sod it. It was the happiest years of my life. Vote for me, to ensure everything's all legalised, tested for purity, and taxed the same as alcohol and cigarettes. Buy two, and get your own Betsy for free. Vote for me!"
Friday, 23 November 2018
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Pumping crazy
"Boss its SP!"
"Crap, what does she want?"
"She's got a truckload of hooker moms carrying placards. One of them's even got one saying 'no to death pumps'."
"No, to what?"
"No to death pumps."
"Don't you mean death camps?"
"No, apparently her pumps are really killing her, and it's all your fault!"
Friday, 7 November 2008
Balance of fairness
For equilibrium, fairness and balance, and nothing to do with wondering where the lines on humour or poking fun are drawn. It's becoming more enjoyable travelling on a perambulating conveyance, as people say the funniest things when they're in a small group and nattering back and forth.
"...if obama's an even tan, does berlusconi have a little wop?"
Sadly the response slightly put a spoiler on it all,
"berli-who?"
Friday, 31 October 2008
Slay bells an' all
Ah yes, it's soon that time of year, when goodwill and happiness pervade every pore and people throw up due to excess.
But reading a couple of polls showing a general growth in people's need to deny others their freedom, decided on a quick poll. In keeping with the general bare boned sentiments of utter dislike and nastiness which is seemingly - despite the wealth of knowledge and interactions that abounds, ingrained within so many of our cores.
So the new poll which is anonymous, non-tracked and ends at 11.59pm on the 24th december, is purely a momentary plummet into the sinewy shadows of madness, apparently.
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