Trumbor

The gathering of the clan was a departure from tradition. By electing two leaders and surgically joining them together, the collective membership had -apart from losing its mind-, finally caused the world to notice them.

Scribes from far and wide descended on the unprecedented gathering, all of them wanting any sort of exclusive.

One scribe was too keen, and slips in between the chairs, to be garrotted by another scribe sitting down at the same time. However, luckily for the now seated scribe, his deceased colleague's question paper gently flutters into his hands. Not believing his luck, but happy to take it anyway, he quickly springs up. "Er, I have some questions," he blurts out.

"Yes, the boring scribe in the fifth row!" Trumbor says, cleaning its teeth of that morning's breakfast: char lady, cocker spaniel, and a brace of peasants.

"How will you tackle the unequal distribution of wealth?" 

"That's easy. Taxes are now cut for everyone." Trumbor, in unison says. Immediately causing uproar in the clan.

"Everyone?" Many of the gathered scribes ask at the same time.

"Yes, everyone." Trumbor says. Irritation clearly already getting the better of them.

"How about the poo-," another scribe begins.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. What was that? Weeeeeeeeeeeee. Can't hear you. Guards!"

In alternate reality 45823....

It's b-day, plus 10 years, and the uk is now the 51st state of the usa. 

The nhs has being bled to death by a billion cuts and the tasty filleted remains sold off to the fastest swooping vulture funds.

The  first term rees-mcvey government has discovered a very large hole in their plans. After promising the electorate the sky, they have discovered that is the only thing in the country left for them to privatise.

"Ah, prime minister. Would you like to comment on the rumours that we are the new puerto rico?"

"Oh really, what a nonsensical question! Listen mush, once we've sold off the sky, we shall all be fantastically wealthy. There will also be some stale crumbs for the poor. Although, they'll have to fight marzebub for those!"

Ocean's 33: The Sunken Lot

Where a hapless gang of intrepid bunglers manage to trip up, get caught, miss the loot, destroy a country, gas through their teeth, have no idea what they are talking about, wouldn't know a bath plug from a kitchen tap, have a mistress and try to leave the country but end up doing donuts, blow their feet off then their genitals, and it's only the first operational run through.

You'll never forget less memorable lines, such as...

Grab your life jackets now!

Leaderslips

Particulate limits

I read on the air quality news website with interest gove pledging to enshrine who particulate limits into uk law. 

I experienced a petaseconds worth of elation, before realising just what that'll mean here in the land of the topsy turvy. To make sure nothing had changed, i opened the curtains, and sure enough tfl's buses were parked outside with their engines running. So despite all the pledges and chippy promises, nothing will actually change. Don't believe me? The next time you're out and around, just take a look at the gritty, dirty, urban streets, and just see how many of your fellow species are actually doing anything positive towards the betterment of nature... the species is still oh so very fucked.

Even scientists who initially prevaricated and couched their words in more conservative tomes are becoming increasingly shrill. But for decorum you can almost here them saying "why can't you people open your eyes, and see what's going on, what's coming and at least try to change!" But that will require, well thought. Thinking. Perhaps even empathy. Apart from extinction rebellion and other such groups, just look around. The majority will truly only care when they experience 55+ celsius degree summers as an annual event, roads melting, glass turning into mini flame-torches, and being unable to venture outside during any hour of daylight. Okay that last bit might take more creeping venus like temperatures, but as a species, without the numerous technological advances and generally filled shopping shelves, how many of us would be able to operate with rapid changing environments.

So as I sit with windows open and listen to bus engines being revved and rumblingly idled, mere feet from the bus stand, i wonder at this wonderful example of town planning, and whether tfl's pr spin team (if given an opportunity) would say that it is one of the greenest stands ever!  

Visualising slender tendrils of fumes and particulates soaring through and lodging in my brain, chest and spleen, i wonder just how much popcorn we'll need to watch the end of the world, or if we will simply croak long before then with brains full of crap and lungs full of sea-water.

At least before the last wave laps over i can wave a feeble fist, in solidarity with pollution sufferers everywhere.

In alternate reality 45823....

The hustings

The final husting's and it's neck and neck. Both candidates awkwardly stand on stage for the last round.  Sudden death.

"Munt!"

"Blowhard!"

"Piffle-boodle-orgasmatron-poodle."

"Ha. I beat you. A gaggle of entrepreneurs!"

Somewhat overheard - July 2019

New neighbours.

Second night.

Watching television - probably cable.

Their tv watching comments filtered through the no-soundproofed divide and mainly comprised of: oh my fucking god, fucking this, or fucking that, or fuck me, or some other fruity expletive, all quite happy and jovial.

The number of f'ings has already far surpassed the previous residents, who were around for over 24 months! Great scott, this is only their second night!

The impression is more a pair of commoner street screwers from deepest victorian huddersfield, than city accountants. Who knew they could be so fruity!

The Problem with Empire - Futopia

Empires are nothing but problems blowing in the sand. Sometimes as useful as a pane of glass. Sometimes more painful, when sticking out your neck!

In the UK, a long time ago, labour was swept into power with a landslide majority by an electorate with high expectations of a bright hopeful future. So let’s briefly look back at john smith who probably would have been prime minister; and where we can only imagine the path not taken.

Smith was a politician who had more of a smidge of affinity for the working class than his eventual successor. He probably would have reformed the public sector; but not carve it up and hand over the juicy morsels; sorry, tender out unproductive parts to private organisations. With smith’s untimely death, the mantle of leadership passed to margaret beckett. A lovely woman, but not really  galvanising the country by the scruff of its neck sort of leader. No matter how hard I try, I can never imagine margaret riding bareback on a shining white charger, with her enemies heads bouncing off her bosom!

But what of china and it's one belt one road initiative? There are currently 68 countries participating in the drive, which some might uncharitably view as the beginnings of a light-touch hegemony, eventually ushering in a loose empire. Yes china has human rights issues, along with most countries and all empires through the ages. The right to simply be, is a fight people have had to rekindle from generation to generation, and that’s only through records which haven’t been destroyed by religious zealots.

What of the king of trumponia and the crystal clouded future? I suppose the best we can hope for is that as long as stubby fingers fail to find buttons of doom, and a nest of inept incompetents are turfed out, then at least there’ll be one less agent of chaos ready to bring the world cascading into flames.

But when you hear countries talking about bringing freedom for your people, gather all your precious assets and squirrel them away safe and secure. Call black gold, nothing but dirty water, and the soil’s only fit for flushing. Then to all intents you’re too dirt poor, and hardly worth the enslavement.

Oh lordy!

A little bit - Furenvy!

Flying flocks of envy and galloping migrations of fury have been reported from all over the world - if you forget to consume your news with a hefty dose of morning salts.

Countries are furious. Customers are furious - although that quickly descends into only being tepidly livid.  Viewers are furious and envious - apparently more the latter when watching tennis fans gorge on fresh strawberries & cream! Even stalwart shareholders in blue chip behemoths are furious, and that's before the first lot of sandwiches have had time to become crispy curls at the enviously livid agm!

You don't have to read that many columns, nor listen to many pundits, nor look too far before realising that everyone is either extremely furious, or green with unmitigated envy. It won't be long before you come across a headline, byline, or have spittle flecks hurled in your direction, to make you realise that this is how you should feel, if you encounter such a situation.

	Fury	Envy
Watching someone eat strawberries & cream.		𔐍
Seeing a giraffe killed for fun.	𔐍
Your local shop running out of your favourite tea.	𔐍
Having one of your oil tankers seized.	𔐍
What's athena doing with that orange chipmunk?	𔐍	𔐍

Yes half the world's furious whilst the other half's envious, as the world is going up in flames. Perhaps that hot under the collar sensation is starting to subconsciously niggle at us: making us fan a smidge faster, mop an extra bead of sweat, or hastily guzzle a litre of beer instead of gently sipping, or even force us to open another button.

We're furious! No we're envious! We're full of fury! No we're full of envy! We are, furenvy!

The Problem with Empire - Trumponia

Empires are nothing but problems blowing in the sand. Sometimes those sands find their way into the most sensitive of parts, then you’re really screwed!

The latest fully paid-up empire is looking a bit leaky around the edges and appears to be following the trajectory of rotting from the core. The phrase “give me your tired, your poor,... the wretched refuse of your teeming shore” briefly rang around the world as leading to a halcyon bastion of  democratic hope, to all those suffering oppression at the hands of their own despotic rulers, and the caprice of nature, or who simply wanted to do more than eat dust and actually have a life. Which is such a delightful thought, once we shove under the carpet: the genocidal attempt against the previous inhabitants, plus the slight issue of slavery for a cash crop to have someone pop a sugar cube into your finest royal worcestor. Strangely, that is a period some believe would be worth revisiting. No doubt along with the level of medical advances they had at the time, and a piss-pot by the bed.

Looking at the slow moving change taking place in the various governmental arms in the usa, you would be forgiven for thinking that a period of theocratic manifest destiny appears to be waiting, just over the horizon, to grab the stick of control from an increasingly fractured and side-tracked populace. Since they haven't had control since forever, it really doesn't make that much of a difference.

If you listen quietly, in-between the incessant chatter of evangelicals and bombast from neocons, you can hear them praying with expectant hope, that the age of armageddon really is this time, just around the corner. Which is odd, that some of the more fringe believers would then petition netflix to cancel the show good omens. A show which is neither shown on, nor produced by netflix. But why let a good bit of umbridge and disgruntlement go to waste, when you can publicly show just how much your wrongness should be appreciated. Terry pratchett would indeed have been amused, as was neil gaiman.

But if you are unaware that there are portions of the north american governing branches that seem hell-bent on having yet another war, then you weren’t following the events in venezuela, nor the ongoing sabre jousting currently taking place with iran. Don’t believe it? Watch a clip where john bolton’s idea of another country’s resource sovereignty, should really put the willies up those who believe there's any such thing as a special relationship.

The 45th potus nicely flows into that frame of state. Where outside of his follubleators (followers caught in a bubble whilst courting fawning yet discreet admiration from global dictators), he is viewed by some as nothing more than a charlatan, with the memory of an upside down goldfish - experiencing a very bad day.

Let’s briefly cast our minds back to the extreme republican attitude towards the 44th potus. You know that if he had committed a fraction of what the 45th’s already, or alleged to have done, then he would have been hounded out of office with the use of extra sharpened pitchforks, and that’s just by his fellow democrats.

It isn’t really that far a stretch to believe no matter the nonsense pouring from the 45th potus mouth and fingertips, the narrative permeating his base lends to his possible re-election. Which of course may be aided by a supreme court 5-4 ruling, basically saying federal courts can not intervene when states undertake  gerrymandering. A ruling that now, in theory, means states can redraw voting districts to their hearts content. Why have a district of only 2,000 people, when you can now have one that encompasses 50,000? A shame all those non-republican representatives will be shrunk to a hotdesk for two. But what can you do? That’s just how the voting times fall.

We now just need the usa’s very own information minister of pr to take center stage. Maybe the third time will be the charm. Then finally, we’ll know the regime has reached its very own point of peak unbelievability.

Sugar no spice!

Somewhat overheard - June 2019

“The best thing about this place is getting the hell out of it,” the landscapist said to the painter.

When even hardened lifers say the best thing about an area is leaving it, you know you might have made a teensy bit of an error moving there in the first place.

The Problem with Empire - Brexdamtwit

Empires are nothing but motes of sand blowing in the wind. Sometimes they phut around for hours; at other times, they whip along for centuries!

Empires have waxed and waned throughout the eons. They grow from slow mewling collections of the dirty unwashed who huddle expectantly around unsanitised watering holes. Periodically fight off four-legged animals stupid enough not to be at least partially eat-a-domesticable. Then move forward with shocked faux fervency, through the horror of public orgies held beneath prickly moist sheets.

The above usually occurs through a lens of no-nonsense rational expansion. Where higher beings nicely bubble along the top, insisting that their actions are aligned with the wishes of whichever deities they've taken as their own. This allows them to parade through their existence, cloaked with the hair of demurred gravitas. Luckily this also allows history to leave the most memorable of moments, as unexpected bonuses for future generations hilarity.

Society's progress rarely marches in a straight line, often experiencing setbacks peppered by climate, wars, the odd volcano, and those who dream of wealth, power, dominion and utter control, by whatever means necessary. Empires slowly peak in grandeur as their messy conundrums surpass the goals of interconnected villages, cities, regions, politicians and quickly jettisoned ideals; before, sadly, having the most insane of leaders inelegantly hoiked upon them. Experience terminal collapse. Then have the final indignity of ending up in the guts of some bookend eating worm.

When it comes to the less appealing sides of empire, they can have a deleterious effect on the populace of any country they are successful in overwhelming. Let's briefly take a very small country, which had a very large impact - belgium, and another country now called the democratic republic of congo. In the 1880’s belgium’s population was roughly around the 5.5 million mark whilst also been over 6,282(ish) km away from the congo. We, or probably very few of us will ever know the true death toll from that little romp into the interior. But with estimates ranging from 5 - 12 million people killed, outside of a world war they’d give any tyrannical dictator a run for the top spot of attempted genocide.

From such practices as severing a person’s hand, to outright murder, they could be viewed as lawful terrorists of their age. In terms of brutality, they still surpass many of the actions carried out by isis - in their onward march to an attempted caliphate. It’s probable the world might have mobilised had the group killed the same number of people as king leopold ii, if we believe there’s more than a raft of empathy and humanity amongst the global political brokers. But how many of us heard, or can recall hearing anything regarding such atrocities, whilst flicking snot balls during monotone history lectures?

History does repeat itself, it’s just that society usually has amnesia injected into its veins.

A little bit -They're in the money!

The 2019 rich-list popped screaming into the world in february. Looked around for it's platinum spoon. Then sulked off as the vast bulk of the media moved onto the next event.

We are usually informed by presenters, in tones of exasperated wonder, just how much these bestriding titans are worth. Whether they've risen, or how far they've fallen and despite their bad luck which benevolent charity they've donated so much of their wealth to. Nowadays, even that accolade is only confined to those lucky enough to be placed within the highly coveted bracket of minting it, otherwise known as the top five.

As a grouping, the top ten richest people in the world are worth roughly $743.8 billion. Put another way, if you lined up 37,190,000 people (let's say the entire population of afghanistan, or canada) and then proceeded to hand each individual (babies included) $20,000 no strings attached, collectively they would have the same amount as the worthiest ten richest individuals in the world.

If we continue cannon-balling along with this little mind trip, and take the world's 100 richest people (if my slightly watering eyes, and dodgy mathematics are anywhere near correct), they are collectively worth a clip at $3 trillion +/- $32 billion. Put another way, 151,590,000 destitute people could be given $20,000 a year, which they just might find useful. Already the top 26 billionaires own more than 50% of the world's population Of course this doesn't actually do much for a population of roughly 7.7bn and rising, but with exponential advances in technology, rising inequality, and rising hordes of the unemployable (simply down to technology doing so much work faster, better, and cheaper) there should be more talk about the existential and societal crisis which will descend on us. When that unfortunate self-inflected trauma dovetails with the self-inflected upheaval of climate change... well, might just order another bucket of popcorn.

Boris for PM?

Oh, how joyous.

Inflicted by TWAGs?

Are you living somewhere inflicted by tossers, wankers, arseholes, or godsends (TWAGs)? Four options likely to be heard when conducting a survey about neighbours. Whether you live in a palatial detached castle, or hunker down in the most kafkaesque blocks of flats many call home, horror stories abound when it comes to living by neighbours and the squabble-some descents into feuds.

Before i get totally carried away, it would be highly negligent of me to ignore those occasions which are scattered like hens teeth amongst swill, where we live by neighbours who are godsends of enlightenment.

When neighbours feud there is a high probability that noise will be somewhere in the top three of probable causes. For the most part this is down to the way buildings have been designed and constructed over the centuries, either from the observance of shoddy building practices and the need of making a quick buck, or from the use of shoddy materials again for the same reason, or when they were built who knew, or the management/freeholders of a building have failed to ensure that the covenants of leases pertaining to flooring are actually enforced; which they are generally quite loathe to do, until they're kicking and screaming in the flames of legal redress.

So why this particular piece? My usually quiet (except for the ‘if it has a hinge it must be made for slamming’) neighbours, decided it was a good idea to throw a party. Nothing wrong there you might say. True, apart from the fact that they didn’t bother to invite me, which is understandable and fair enough. Nor did they bother to drop a scribbled note saying as such, on the back of some junkmail they’d received and couldn’t be bothered to throw away, through the still functioning letterbox.

The party started. Surprisingly the first three hours were tolerable. If the party had remained close to that for the rest of the evening, it would have been enjoyable night for all concerned. At some point after the third hour, the booze and happy makers had reached their zenith, as noise levels finally breached the 65 decibels mark causing the screen on the monitoring app to turn yellow.

The noise from the party continued to rise. I was reluctant to increase my headset’s volume, as that might have resulted in hearing damage. Instead i removed it and switched the computer's speakers on. The aim was not to fully drown out the unwanted external sound, but allow me to hear what i was listening to without the potential degredation of hearing. Initially, i couldn’t hear the sound from the speakers with any clarity (noise from the party), so i whacked up the volume slider until the sound output ranged from 45 to 50 decibels. I’m sure many of you with an interest in the more technical aspects of sound, must be shaking your heads and wondering have i lost the plot. For reference, the level for background music and normal conversion in a room is stated as 60 decibels. So my four 8 x 10… cm speakers, pumping out 50 decibels, could be viewed as being well within reasonable levels. 

Sadly, due to the paper-bag nature of the dwellings the volume from the speakers was sufficient to reach their ears. The reaction was almost instant. An increase in stamping, especially by a female guest at the party, who seemed to take exceptional umbrage at the 45 - 50 decibels levels drifting towards her ears. There was a ratcheting of door slams. Objects being dropped on the floor. All mixed with general laughter and momentous hilarity.

Noise levels from the party started peaking at 73 decibels, just 9 decibels short of the all time great of 81 decibels, which was secured by the previous tenants. The screen on the app turned fluorescent red.

So how did the noise generated by the party compare to a gang of motorcyclists driving by? At approximately 10:09 am the following day, one such gang obliged. The bikers managed to zoom by at roughly 63.9 decibels, 10 decibels softer than the peak of the party, which is actually quite a feat.

What about the four words which started this fervid piece? It was whilst reading a press release of a survey from Slater & Gordon Lawyers, where two thirds of respondents said they were living by nuisance neighbours, and the overheard frayed heated words that regularly take place in the cheek by jowl cities, we lovingly call home. The following graph is a breakdown of the most pressing neighbourly concerns.

Source: data from Slater & Gordon Lawyers

I should count myself lucky, i only have the first and last ones… although, pets (and humans, if the attached toilet paper was any indication) defecating underneath windows, and footballs being thrown/kicked against windows, might just be included in the second and fourth… dammit!

Not sure when that survey was done except recently. So how have things changed over the years? In 2011, jill insley wrote a piece in the guardians money blog called “Everybody needs good neighbours … but few seem to have them.” The issues reviewed at the time found that three in five people were annoyed by loud voices or arguments, blaring music and tv’s. A quarter were irritated by door slamming. Another quarter by noisy pets. And one in five by hearing their neighbours having sex. Let me see, loud voices - check, door slamming - check, pets - check, neighbours having- god dammit, not again!

Somewhat overheard - April 2016

The then employment minister pritti patel mp on the today program 28 april 2016, talking to sarah montague.

"I'm talking about…  rolling back workers rights… It was the British Parliament and British Governments that have stood up and introduced… regulations and red tape, and the cost of regulations and red tape, on British businesses. I'm speaking about small businesses and regulations… regulations and those rules… what is appropriate, and what is not appropriate… I’ve already said several times we'd have full… regulations and meddlesome… red tape… regulations… regulations… regulations… These are regulations that stand up… and be outvoted constantly.”

In alternate reality 45823....

“Before we begin our next show 'Orange is the old Lemon', breaking news from the leafy suburbs of Slurry Peath. Hildabrad, just what is going on?”

“Yes, good evening Daviard. We are just outside the home of constituent mp Mr Cove. We have been led to believe that he will soon be making a statement, regarding. Wait, hold on. The front door has just being opened a crack; and yes, Mr Cove's shiny pate is peeking out, and I can confirm that his mouth is moving. Quick point it over the there.”

"...my name is Michael Cove, and I have a confession. I took cocaine 20 years ago when I was working in a pig farm, and I was so off my tits that I might have made sweet happy love to Betsy, once or twice. It was a mistake, over which I experience deep re-. No, sod it. It was the happiest years of my life. Vote for me, to ensure everything's all legalised, tested for purity, and taxed the same as alcohol and cigarettes. Buy two, and get your own Betsy for free. Vote for me!"

Dimensional porkies