No not a swipe about the olympics, but it does start tomorrow. Oh I can just see the disasters. No nothing about the olympics, except that.
A wee tale about the bending of space and time? No. Of warp-holes in the fabric of macadam tarmac? Again no.
This is a regaling tale, of the dire state of trying to order a chinese takeaway. Supposedly, in one of the most populated chinese takeaway parts of the globe.
The fridge was bare. The flatmate, although soon to leave for pastures new was elsewhere entertaining, and so it was a case of what should I do.
Over to friends? No, I'm sure they're tired of giving me doggy bags to take home. Hmm. I could pop to the "salmonella" café and spend the rest of the morning heaving as it leaves my system...
A couple of hours zip along before I realise I've tied myself into a tizzy. I should just relax. Count the pennies and bring out the faithful old dusty chinese menu, for a treat.
Proceed to give them a call, only to hear "I'm sorry. The number you have dialled has not been recognised, please check and try again."
And I do.
Of course, my phone's speed-touch button had misdialed? It couldn't be a network fault or the business closed down? Perhaps just another exchange's stopped working?
So I do a little online search on yell.co.uk, justeat.co.uk. And pick out the nearest two. Dial the first and start to order...
"It will cost you an extra pound," the order taker informs me. "You're too far!"
"To far? I'm not even one and half miles away from you. How can I be too far!"
"The computer says you're to far."
Apparently, the system they use to calculate the food bill also incorporates a postcode checker, which can't be overwritten (suppose it avoids tampering by the staff) so he couldn't do anything.
Obviously the credit crunch isn't affecting this particular business as they're more than happy to lose my order, because to all intents and purposes, the computer said "no!"
Do I hear a "so what?"
Well the main reason I was so particularly irked was, in comparison, the company that I usually call up is approximately - thank heavens for dependable google - 2.5 miles or 4.1 km (one way), and doesn't charge delivery if the amount of the meal exceeds £9. Whereas this interloper company wanted to charge an extra pound for less than two-thirds the distance, whilst requiring a spend of at least £10, to be entitled for free delivery.
So I try another restaurant, which is 1.4 miles away only to have the number permanently engaged. No-doubt myself and another 500 people using re-dial. Perhaps it was a major hack on chinese takeaways by the "hackus of tibet". Or maybe, it was just one of nights.
I had forgotten how delicious beans on toast could taste. Had to include that link, as I came across it in my ever frantic attempts at finding something. Even though the webowner thought it looked unpleasant, it looked far more appetising than the fare I managed to eventually scrape together and swallow down.
When I initially penned this, the last sentence was going to end on a dire trembler. But the olympics started and russia invaded. Bombs went off, the international community showed just how impotent it is when dealing with an ex-upandcoming-muscleflexing superpower.
I just hope the games can make it through without any other major incidents taking place. That would be nice. And in honour of the sporting achievements been created by the many thousands of athletes taking part in this years olympiad here's a wee collage...
... or it will be, once it's finished.