We’re less than a week into the new year, and already people feel as though their heads are going to explode from the sheer stream of utter bs, streaming in from all directions.
Oh, where to start… Let’s see, tfl, neighbours, letwin, putin, daesh, trump, buses, parliament, presidential campaigns, floods, climate change… Parliament!
Politicians say the modern day serfs are not been productive enough. That they can only expect a pay rise, or improved living conditions, if they work harder. Much harder damn them. We want to see blood pouring from those fingernails, and watch as those layabouts gnash their teeth under another 70 years of hard blue labour!
Now before you nod your head savagely, in sage agreement with them, remember that this will be the same politicians who take even more holidays than teachers. Indeed through dint of elbow grease, or silver spoon, they are the best of the citizenry that's floated to the top, and as such 98% of them shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the reigns of power.
But in their role of representing all those other lazybones - who claim they have better things to do such as foraging around in foodbanks, pretending to be poor by wearing less than their sunday finest, or waiting for a letter telling them how many months they’ll be sanctioned and receive no money for, for failing to receive a letter that should have been sent by the dwps’ 100% efficient machinery, via the department which doesn’t understand the concept that the species hasn’t yet mastered the art of mind reading. Those saintly souls, during the helter-skelter ricochets of 2015s ongoing turbo-charged austerity, had their basic pay packet increased by 10%, or roughly £7k to £74k. That’s only the basic. On top of that they could get anywhere from £13k to £74k extra, dependent on what other post, or job they managed to parachute themselves into, during their hallowed paneled-hall tenure.
Don’t worry, i’m nearly past this bit. If this is proving a bit much, here’s a cat video you can watch, it even includes toilet paper.
The 10% increase, plus extra, was just the first and second fiscal posts for the job of serving the people. Going to the third post are the various expenses that can be claimed, plus subsidised canteens, 24 hour booze dens, pensions, and as we’ve seen from those arch crypto-commie-socialists: brown and darling (plus all the others in the past) the final post of a nice cushy directorship at the end of the line - should you end up pleasing your masters, or a speaking tour where you can charge £15k to tell them just how you got away with it, thanks to the majority lemmings having not a clue.
But this 10% salary increase was made by the independent parliamentary standards authority (ipsa), with the promise that further pay increases will be clipped to the level that mp’s constituents have to face; naturally it fails to say (that i could see in my skiving skimming) whether that’s the average, middle, lower, or upper levels of said mp’s constituents.
Who makes up the board of the ipsa? After all, according to their blurb…
“IPSA is independent of parliament, government and of political parties. In everything we do, we focus on our main duty; to serve the interests of the public”Well, it’s made up of an ex-mp, a sir, ex-civil servants, an ex-audit company member and so on. Hardly your local reformed gang member, nor checkout assistant from your local sainsbury's; whom would be a true boost to the claim of independence, and could truly be said to have served the interests of the public - however poorly.
I digress.
Of course this 10% inflation busting pay rise eventually followed on from the expenses scandals which peaked in 2009, which were so mouthwateringly audacious, that even ducks would paddle around their moats with a wing held over their heads in shame, at such unfortunate an association. The fact mp’s managed to surpass that peak five years later, is a topic to be mulled over during a different bout of shirking.
The modus operandi we proles, we vast swathes of the bone idle, we feckless grommets, we lazy everyday shirking layabouts have failed to grasp, is that such prized fiscal remuneration would be within grasp of our nettle, if we weren’t so roundly and utterly damned unproductive.
We’re so unproductive that we deserve the austerity brought down upon our necks by the banks imploding and then been dutifully bailed out by the government. Who then found themselves with no other option but to cut public services, and freeze people's benefits due to the sheer cost of having to magic the money out of the air, to bail out the banks, to then go back to the banks to obtain loans with wedges of interest attached; which with hindsight firmly under wing, some might say such politicians had acted appropriately, if the aim was to ensure their future pay-masters needs were properly serviced.
But you, you shirking non-productive unit! You have to work longer hours, harder, and have less benefits, and oh yes, work until you're 90. That will teach you to be so lax in your productivity.
So just in case we've forgotten, ongoing austerity is all our fault. We’re all in austerity together. That's all of us earning less than £74k per year. You might for one moment think that you really can't work any harder, nor faster, and at the rate you're going your body will fall to bits due to the shear levels of stress – but this is only the working environment we’re considering, you can re-allocate time from your leisure, home environments and any other duties which obviously can’t be as important to the servicing of this need.
No you can’t? Well that’s tough. Atos the previous gestapo glove (as viewed by many) of the government's dwp arm is firmly out of the way, and replaced with maximus, another globalised (how many units can we move) company, poised at the ready to sign you back as “fit to work!”. A quick look at their history, might make you wonder which path all of this will lead down. I predict, not the happy one - especially as they’re still implementing the same tests that atos had to, as those are the tests mandated by the government. Or put another way, it’s the same burnt disgusting gravy, just served by a different, more exotic waiter.
When it comes to these tests, you can hide in the casket you were buried in, or have your ashes thrown to the four winds; they'd only send someone around the globe to find all your ashes, pop them back into the urn, take the urn to an examination room and give it a stern telling off, before applying sanctions (so you can only blow to three corners and not four) for been tardy in your approach to gainful employment.
Fuck the machines, and the robots, and the artificial intelligences coming increasingly on stream. You will have to up your productivity to compete, either with some poor five year old from malawi that's been forced to work for 20 hours a day, 364 days a year and drops dead when he’s aged seven, or the machines working every hour of every day until they rust to bits and reach that great bender in the sky. That is the sort of productivity they want from you, and even if you were capable of providing it, they still wouldn't be happy, as it would never be enough.
However societies, the modern ones, where on balance the more intelligent people outweigh the dim ones, are rapidly zooming to a point where their toasters are going to be smarter, and more intelligent than their politicians - let alone the people using the toasters. Pop into that mix the revolution of quantum computers running at a gazillion flippers every second and all just melding together to become the true masters of the planet. Then in 20 years, if we are all connected via our quantum watches and every decision can be voted on instantly, without the spin, the hype, the lies nor mistruths, what will we actually need politicians and parliaments for?
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