Something useful?

"Hm, write something useful," a friend suggested the other day, "that people can dig their teeth into."

"Useful?  Isn't that diametrically opposed to reflective pedantry? And surely the odd sarcastic observations must have a mote of usefulness about them?" I rejoined.

"Only so far, and you haven't quite hit the knack of enlisting your audience without alienating them first; or having them fall asleep mid-sentence.  You have a tendency to wander in your, er, prose."

Well at least the pause was considerate.

"Useful..." I started.  Feeling the strain build up in the nether regions of hardly used cells I soon turned, eager to splurge.  "How about writing something on building your own portable pen-sized cutting laser?  Or, a thousand and one ways to boil your neighbours?  Bear traps for neighbours from hell and their screaming kids?  The besieged hermits diy handbook of tried and tested projectile missile construction?"  My pathetic gleeful smile said it all, as I slowly found myself ecstatically warming to the many-faceted possibilities that such an expansive topic would offer, especially in the way of hours and hours of happy rewinds.  My friend slowly shook her head in disappointment before continuing to munch on a honey-dipped cinnamon-sprinkled lovingly chopped (personally by the head chef) celery stalk.  

I wanted to tell her where i'd seen the staff's rabbits doing their organics; but somehow at that moment, it just didn't feel like the right thing to do.