Ding dong, merrily oh high, is it that time of year already.

Dammit yes it is, and shops have apparently decided that those with the memory of a fruit-bat might well forget that christmas could well be happening this year, and started to advertise from september. 

It is with utter displeasure that with days flying swiftly by until the festive season of "you call this a present! I hate you," departs, and the increase in a&e admissions fall back to normal levels; the following should be on everyone shopping list.

"Crack Alley brings you the latest in it's happy handbag retno electronic dentist gansta-rap classic-house mixp3 mash-up's.  Taking you screaming back to the 80's and flushing you out of the teenies -in a rapidly retreating ambulance- guaranteed by track 3, or your money-back!

Cost? Get this once in a lifetime offer.  Only £2,499 bn payable in six easy instalments.  And once we receive your first instalment you'll receive, as if by magic and return post, your first two discs of 100,000 discs containing over 500 ZB of ultra precision and honed aural delights. 

Don't have a crapray? Don't worry, just buy the discs anyway and wonder what  you're missing; until that is, you've hacked enough accounts to afford that ultra gorgeous 6D time-wave sound sytsem that will make your ears bleed now, but more importantly make them bleed from before you were born.

Crapray music system.  You'll never see another offer in the same way ever again."